Swanky Spam!

I took a look in the SB comment filter to see if any rich, juicy spam comments had been caught recently. It’s been several months since I’ve checked my spam, and I’ve been posting on Southern Boulevard pretty infrequently as it is what with the schooling and whatnot.

Looky there!

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 11.43.09 AM

These spams were just too savage and when I spotted them, simply knew they had to be shared. Frankly, they’re masterpieces. An email spam edition may be coming soon as well. Enjoy.

  1. Bedtter Creedit Ratings

This spammist, “Iron,” who is connected to the prestigious Hsfdajkfh.com,  was concerned with helping me deal with “Personal Loans” and getting a “Bedtter” creedit rating. Iron began its rant with the following poetry. (All spam transcribed exactly as posted):

heave powerful slider beneath toward tthe amount you’d wish to beg$5zero0#35,0zero0 YOur e mial handle:

and this avante-garde lyrical innovation:

remodel your kitchen, approximately catacomb.

suffer by the side of a trip. verbalize a marriage.

cowl bills. help a enterprise. How you utilize your personal loan is as much as you.”

This stuff puts John Updike to shame. Throw the above lump in front of an AP High School lit class and watch them tear apart “approximately catacomb” – “Could our mystery poet be referring to the catacombs beneath Paris? Is this an example of – gasp – ALLUSION?” only to have it revealed to them that this was an internet spam comment. Good on you, Iron, for writing something that could definitely have mistaken literary merit.

Iron doesn’t stop there. As it explains, “the bedtter yourcreedit rating , the lower your rate of interest. lower rate of interests are escellent because it means you a decrease prce during borrowing the mortgage. whichever personal mortgages come with a variable interest rate this changes periodically. Discover personal Loans can be utilized somme wags –

Iron is clearly a spam of the people, worried about our hard-earned “wags.” I’m glad Iron is out there. Unfortunately for this intrepid spammist, I can’t say I’ll be visiting Hsfdajkfh.com any time soon.

2) Relevant usage of Bold and italics

Screen Shot 2016-04-11 at 11.43.54 AM

This spammer, called “Sicherungsbereiche,” immediately caught my German-American attention. My Teutonic radar flared, and I caught a brief whiff of sauerkraut and, hidden behind the breeze outside, a certain mellow Midwestern accent. Then I thought better of myself. This was not a German. This was a robot. While those things may be hard to differentiate at times, I can assure you this was a robot.

Siggy, for short, is full of advice on how to improve my blog. Siggy says, “Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors.” Hello Siggy, I noticed that your sentence contains the word “is” twice.

Siggy goes on to berate me: “No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.”

Ah. Of course.

Siggy concludes with a bit of sass: “You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.(..)….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin”

I have yet to watch Siggy’s video, or be concerned for his Ukranian developers’ well-being.

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Here’s a sampling from the last couple of spammers:

We are a Chicago firm workihg on building powerful quickest manner ass folks till find entry

Important info.right now, Welos Fargo only accepts online furthermore telephone functions toward a private loan or house oof credit against

Thiss type of loans is relatively new on the
market. Wage day advance loans are a great solutkon to your financial crisis.
When you are not having single penny in hands but expenses are creating
mess in your life, this is the swift loan aid for all.

Alright gang. It’s been swell. Enjoy the rest of your day, and be sure to thank your spam filter for sparing you having to read this garbage. Also, be sure to thank Southern Boulevard, for taking the time to read this garbage and assess it in the event it contains hidden literary gems. So far, no luck.

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