Mini-Field Guide to Office Hours

Here’s a skit for two performers. It should lend you an understanding of how to see a professor during their office hours while at university. (Notice I avoided being a true American and didn’t say “at a University” or “at Party Central USA,” but rather said “at university,” as a British person might, with that disdainful, I’ve-been-trapped-on-a-damp-island-where-Benny-Hill-is-a-thing sort of way)

STUDENT: Hello, there.

Student should enter room with surprising amount of insecurity for someone whose semester has been spent knocking and entering various small, strange rooms

PROFESSOR: Ah, [student name read off email]. Come on in. Take a seat. This should only take a minute.

Professor quickly closes “Southern Boulevard” tab on computer, as well as Vice, Jimmy’s Psychic Readings, and Collegehumor.com

STUD: I had a question about the assignment.

Student sits down in chair with backpack still on. This gives Student the appearance of a paratrooper, about to jump. Professor’s face slightly bemused

PROF: Ok. What was the question?

Professor realizes they left “The Assumption Song” YouTube tab open on their computer, in full view of student, and quickly clicks to email.

STUDENT: SHOULD IT BE DOUBLE SPACED, WOMAN? SHOULD IT BE DOUBLE SPACED?

PROF: Please lower your voice.

STUD: Sorry. S-sorry. I don’t know what came over me.

PROF: You shouldn’t be here, Liam. You know that.

STUD: The ship is sinking, Rose. Get on the door. It’s big enough for two people, but my youthful body is spent with passionate crying and running. I shall now slip into the frigid depths.

PROF: The horror. THE HORROR!

STUD: Well, thanks for answering my questions. I appreciate it.

PROF: Stay golden.

STUD walks out. Exits stage left, but only after tripping on PROF’S ratty Converse left on floor after cheesy jogging-beside-prodigy scene. PROF leads more than one life, you know.

End.

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