Why is Sensei Crying in the Bathroom?

At McScott’s Martial Arts Academy in downtown Bilden, Sensei Ryan is crying in the bathroom.

Southern Boulevard has no idea why he, a black belt in Muay Thai, is in fact allowing water to escape from his tear ducts, but here are a few rough guesses.jfk-mandeville-karate-training-black-belt-picture

1. No one turned up for the midnight Lil’ Warriors seminar, for which Sensei Ryan cancelled a date with his girlfriend from California

2. The tears are in fact an allergic reaction to the material used in the new boxing gloves. Damn, sensei Ryan thinks, struggling to remain calm like a true warrior

3. Sensei Ryan considering telling the Lil’ Warriors club that everyone cries sometimes, even Sensei

4. Parents filing lawsuits after Teen class involved “chair” defense maneuvers

5. Ryan recognized former SEAL teammate standing in lobby and isn’t ready to go back to Azerbaijan. Not just yet.

6. Garrison Keillor just bested Ryan in Greco-Roman wrestling

7. Sensei Kyle just called Ryan a “more modernistic sensei”

8. Attendees for Homeschooling Kempo Seminar ETA 10 minutes. Ryan just doesn’t know if he’s ready for the lack of coordination

9. Sensei Ryan’s girlfriend from California died her hair green, cropped it to “explore new facets of my reality”

10. Scathing online article posted to Ryan’s Facebook timeline by ex-girlfriend from California about how Americanization of martial arts is “cheap”

11. Art Gamboni shows up demanding his weekly payment and Ryan realizes his skills are finally being tested

12. High school lacrosse players threw brick through window with racist note tied to it. Ryan is not Asian, but cries anyway because – well, first of all, if you’re not rooting for Ryan at this point, get off Southern Boulevard

13. Social Justice Warriors dressed as Anime characters just called Ryan a “cultural appropriator” in the parking lot, unaware of his experience with the Israeli Defense Force as people who fight from behind computers might be

14. Ryan tries to contain his childish glee as he sees his Amazon package has arrived: a real “Last of the Mohicans” style gun-stock club

15. Person in Joker outfit now leading birthday party instead of Ryan

16. Fundraiser situation escalates as Crossfit people set up tent in parking lot. Damnit, Ryan, he thinks to himself. You’re a good sensei. The best sensei. Now call in some of the yellow belts from the teen class to help guide people back to your tent. His hand moves with a warriors’ sureness to his iPhone

17. His black belt shrunk in the wash and he now looks absurd

18. His entire weight loss class just walked out after being asked to push themselves past a comfortable limit in order to actually improve their physical conditioning

19. Art Gamboni just arrived, saying he knows where the Turtles are and that he’d better get his money soon or he’ll start breaking some shells

20. High school yearbook member approaching slowly across parking lot, eager look on her face, mound of envelopes in her hand

21. Long-distance runner just asked if classes will build up his upper body and is concerned he’ll “lose fiber elasticity”

22. Out-of-shape retired MMA fighter just left after Ryan agreed to train him for one last bout with Jimmy “The Destroyer” DiVinzi

23. Marine recruiting tent in parking lot drawing too many newcomers

24. Jehovah’s witnesses in lobby. Ryan knows their skills far outmatch his own

25. Saul, who owns an antique shop a few towns over, is currently lobbing gross items at front window, probably because Ryan once karate-chopped his colonial-era bench at the county fair on a bet

Southern Boulevard once knew a martial-arts teacher who did in fact own a gunstock club. Cool stuff


Enter your comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s