Why is the Antique Shop Closed an Hour Early?

antiques-signSaul’s Sundry Antique Items & Apparel Shoppe has closed an hour early on Saturday, April 18th, 2015. The entire town of Westford murmurs about it all the next week, glancing nervously at Saul for some sign of acknowledgement at their confusion. Alas, Saul remains silent.

To save you from the doubts of the Westfordians, Southern Boulevard has compiled some approximate reasons:

1. Art Gamboni, a “cousin” of Saul’s, had an issue involving his “operation” in back of the store

2. Saul sold enough Tiki-head mugs for one day

3. Touring hip-hop artist bought every single tie-die item

4. Saul was sick of watching graphic design students take photos of his ghastly sign for their “Vintage Ampersands” project

5. Saul was sick of high school lacrosse players buying all his bucket hats, forcing him to restock

6. Saul’s reasons remain his own. What more explanation do you need?

7. There was a boxing match Saul wanted to watch from the comfort of his own home

8. As a green minivan rolled slowly into the parking lot, Saul spotted the white scar on the driver’s left cheekbone. He immediately turned the OPEN sign around, locked up, and flicked off the lights. How had they known?

9. The Homeschooling Mothers of Greater Westford decided that they would have a gossip-sesh between the antique chairs and the antique teddy bears, which pissed Saul right off. To hazard a guess, he was distracted by the brutal psycho-analysis of a mother who doesn’t check her children for ticks

10. A young man in a baseball jacket came in and rudely demanded the sports almanac for the years 1955 – 2015, which Saul politely explained he did not have

11. Anne, a barista from the Starbucks next door, stood outside smoking on break. This irked Saul – seeing her there, so young, and so naive, like his own daughter Alissa before that fateful day at the carnival. Saul dragged a weathered hand over his eyes and decided to cut the day early.

12. Saul is kind of a prick, to be honest

13. The mothball fumes were deemed dangerous by the fire marshal

14. The antique grandfather clock in the front window was tipped over by Art Gamboni in a fit of rage

15. High school lacrosse players

16. The ventriloquist’s doll on the shelf behind Saul’s counter cackled and he decided to cut his losses.

17. Saul’s wife rang, saying her car broke down on the way home from work

18. Saul’s robot wife called, asking if he’d told his wife yet

19. Saul called his wife, telling her he’d leave early to help bury Art Gamboni

20. Touring country singer arrived from the bar next door, drunk, and posed for his photographer with an antique rifle, accidentally putting a .45 round through Saul’s grandfather clock, ventriloquist doll, and, in a cruel twist of fate, wounding Art Gamboni

21. College students shuffled around the store making wisecracks about the items with obvious intent to buy nothing for longer than the tolerable 30 minutes

22. Anne, the barista from next door, calmly slid a silver dollar across the counter to Saul before leaving. He swallowed as he recognized the signal.

23. Garrison Keillor was apparently in town and the antique shop was somehow less stimulating

24. Saul’s mother needed her son’s sartorial tips before her remarriage to Saul Sr.

25. Before the wedding, Saul Sr. needed his son to refit his peg leg properly


Advertisements

Enter your comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s