Why Is There a Fork Shortage at the Dining Hall?


1. Kitchen Assistant Billy Reidel needed to finish his dragon blowtorch project

2. RA from 4th floor Dutch Hall needed some utensils to improve daily existence, seeing as RA lives in a building called “Dutch Hall” and is responsible for the goblins therein

3. Kitchen Assistant Debbie Arnsworth needed to finish her silverware collection

4. No reason, it just kind of happened

5. An alien is hiding out in the cold storage room, using the utensils to fashion a transmitter to send for help

6. No reason, says Billy Reidel, rubbing his hands together behind his back

7. Garrison Keillor was bored more than usual

8. A presidential candidate came, he saw, he conquered, and took the forks with him as tribute

9. Who cares?

10. A girl known only as “Suze” has other plans for the silverware, plans which shall not come to light until April 3rd

11. Sometimes Don from 5th floor Dutch likes to snap forks. He’s strong

12. Sometimes Arthur from 5th floor Dutch likes to tape forks to his RA’s door. He’s funny

13. Campus police needed something to jab into own eyes before school sponsored Spring Concert

14. Perhaps, says Billy Reidel, There never were enough forks in the first place

15. New university effort to get students to be more kin-aesthetic

16. The Dutch Hall RA was constructing a homemade Taser

17. I know over 300 ways to construct a samurai sword from random objects, Billy Reidel murmurs, his eyes downcast, a certain flick of his tongue suggesting excitement

18. New university effort to get students to be tougher, like their grandparents

19. Forks needed to be refitted with straight tines ever since last Tuesday

20. Someone forgot to open a new box of forks

21. Local homeschoolers, looking at college with mom, were inspired to create metal sculpture reflecting the travails faced by the American student in today’s reality and thus “borrowed” materials needed


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