How to Be Swell – A Guide to The Art of Cool Comradery

swelllyEyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what’s goooooooooood!

That, my comrades, is how swell people type.

Begin with the following exercise: cock your head back several inches past its center of gravity. Higher. Higher. Especially if male. Flex your neck so your Adam’s apple is dead-center and your jugular bulges to either side. Comrade, you are looking swell.

Also, talk like the typed words above – long, drawn out vowels and sharp little consonants. Swell people don’t just look swell: they talk swell, act swell, eat swell, sleep swell – hell, they are swell, bucko.

How to walk swell? If you don’t innately know how to walk swell, you’re not swell. My apologies, comrade.

Hint: carry a Gatorade bottle filled with water in just your fingertips, to imply you are in fact so thirsty you had to refill a thirst quenching bottle with water. Work out a lot so your sore muscles cause you to walk swell (another hint!)

Swell people are always tired during class/work/socialization but never lacking energy for fun things like destructive behavior, suggestive board games, and midnight walks with bottles of Gatorade.
Swell people also sleep swell. They get between 5 and 9 hours of sleep per 24 hour period. Mind you, swell people often don’t sleep at night or by day – they sweep when it very swell suits them.

Screen Shot 2015-03-10 at 3.21.54 PM
The Swell Star

Swell people are romantic. Use only a pronoun to refer to your romantic partner, and put “my” in front of it. Say “my her,” or “my him.” This is very swell, comrade. Very swell indeed.

More importantly, swell people dress swell.


You must dress this way, or you are not swell:

Parkour shoes available here.


Swell pants. Sweat pants designed for the art of swell. I leave you open to interpretation on this one.

Bucket hats.


Walkers. Swell people are very ironic, as if to say, “I’m so swell I’ll be swell even as an old man.”

Carry a sketchbook. Use only blue pastels when drawing. Purse your lips while drawing, and make contented huffing noises every 36 seconds on average. Keep that average up – remember a swell person often also carries a stopwatch.

Use social media. This is a very swell habit. First, get rid of any social media you currently have. Then, get a Twitter account and fill it with photos of your cargo shorts. Every day, tweet one picture of your cargo shorts, varying slightly the angle and lighting. Be sure to throw one of those canvas belts with the little metal holes on too.

For Facebook, your cover photo should be a picture of a TV screen paused in DVR mode on a recording of American Idol from at least the last two seasons. Preferably Simon Cowell’s face. Your profile pic should be you on one of those Japanese bridges wearing a bucket hat and throwing gang signs with your grandmother.

Don’t use Instagram. Or Snapchat. These are not terribly swell, as true swellness is not visual but spiritual, comrades.

Be a fan of most religions, but don’t really practice any.

Similarly, always be changing your car radio. Swell people never listen to music, but rather go through snippet after snippet. They are musical wanderers, never settling on a tune. When you hear a catchy commercial jingle however, please, leave the radio on. Turn it up as loud as possible at stoplights, with your windows down, and when pedestrians turn their heads at the sound of OxiClean guy, lower your shades and flash ’em those swelly whites. (Pearly whites, although swell people never say pearly. If it’s positive, it’s swell, swelly, or swelltastic.)

Download an app onto your phone you never use. Open it around people who aren’t swell.

Carry an umbrella under one arm on sunny days. A parasol can also work.

Here’s a sampling of swell people and things from around the web. Stay swell, comrades!

Swellia a Swellia! (Swell and more swell)

swell2Sallahcrusadeswelliestnessswell van


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