Step One: Grow a thin blond goatee on your cleft chin, thus disguising the cleft chin and defeating its purpose according to your mother.
Step Two: Shave said goatee right when it starts to reach goatee-length, thus reminding people you have a cleft chin
Step Three: When one guy offers another a high-five, steal his high five. This will show you have quick reflexes and are the dominant male.
Step Four: During orientation, don’t say goodbye to anyone. You’ll see them for a whole two semesters soon enough anyway.
Step Five: When a girl asks if you want to have dinner with her and her friends, say “I already ate…and I have an assignment” in a very deep, uninterested voice. Then wonder why you’re starting at square 1 next week
Step Six: When friendly girls ask you for drawing advice, act like you have no idea what you’re doing.
Step Seven: When your coach and his wife take a picture with you, stay extra-long with your arms around them for maximum comfort, until he says “Okay! He he he”
Step Eight: When your brother fails to explain to his buddy why your shoelaces are pink, also fail to explain that it’s for breast cancer, thus leaving said buddy thrown off for the remainder of the McDonalds experience.
Step Nine: Wink at a dining hall worker while being swiped in (this didn’t actually happen but I thought it would be funny and someone’s probably done it)
Step Ten: During a talent show stand up act, make fun of your infamously creepy history teacher in front of the entire school without him being there. When word gets back to him, calmly explain how awesome he is. This will make him feel like he’s dealing with another human and not a cold, calculating comedy machine. It helps if your brother will have him next year.
Step Eleven: At a high school dance, do a forward-roll like Napoleon Dynamite
Step Twelve: Almost there. Wear corduroys and a plaid shirt, so as to better resemble your dad’s high school picture.
Step Thirteen: Wear Asics and give fellow Asics wearers a head nod
Step Fourteen: Say “You’re welcome” when someone thanks you for holding the door for them
Step Fifteen: Never say “Bless you” when you’re the only two people in the room. That would remind them you’re the only two people in the room.
Step Sixteen: Bring up the Meyers-Briggs test with your English teacher to explain why so many kids feel unhappy with a certain class, and never really explain it
Step Seventeen: Remain expressionless around strangers, this will prompt them to start up a conversation
Southern Boulevard accepts questions about suaveness below. What makes you suave? A leather jacket? A comb that snaps out like a switchblade? Maybe it’s a pencil mustache. In any case, share if you dare.