As with all online star-and-planet based mystical fortune telling, these horoscopes are 100% accurate and guaranteed not to lead you astray this week! To read them, try going outside under the moon naked. It helps the lunar rays permeate your skin and increase accuracy.
Aries Mar 21 – April 19
This week you will find yourself starting a lot of loud arguments with people over sports, video games, and yoga poses. To stay at an advantage in these arguments remember that a quick elbow to the temple usually silences people.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Buy a Taurus from a used car sale. Trick it out with flames on either side of the hood, and one of those little shiny things on top of the antenna, and a lot of hateful bumper stickers. This will strengthen your sign this week.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
This week it’s important that you look inwards. When throwing a tantrum, remember that it’s not you, it’s them. When being friendly and charismatic, be sure to have each member of The Society wear the black hood of a Member. When the new Members are inducted into The Society, make sure their star sign is etched on their left chest.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
This week you need some alone time. All the stress is getting to you. To compensate, try building a hammock 10′ off the ground between two pine trees. Don’t be surprised to find nude cannibals dancing around a fire beneath the hammock when you wake up however.
Leo July 23 – Aug 22
You will be called on to lead this week. Someone is trying to usurp you. To avoid this, move out to Utah and live in a sixteen-cabin conclave with seven spouses and two shotguns. Any police or hikers should get a warning shot to show you mean business.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Hey Virgo! This is a big week for you. First off, this week you’ll learn a new skill. This skill will prove beneficial later in the week, but if you realize it will be beneficial before or after said event is entirely up to you. Destroy this webpage after reading it with a Zero Day virus. Good luck.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
You don’t get a horoscope this week because you don’t need one. Keep being yourself, Scorpio. Just not so damn loud.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Listen, this week is pretty straightforward. Just keep a salt shaker in your left jeans pocket all week long. This way, you can easily preserve the bodies once you’re on the island.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week is going to call on your deepest reserves of strength as those around you turn to you for assistance with their electronic devices. Try to tolerate how stupid they are, and resist giving them an IT phone number. You need the attention.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Don’t be lazy this week. You have a lot of water to carry, water-bearer. Also there’s a lot of soap-scum in the shower, hit it with some water. Drink your eight glasses a day this week. Just do lots of stuff with water or something I guess.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Here’s the deal: you have stunning eyes, and no one else knows they’re implanted with chips giving a direct feed of your vision to the government for the next 13 hours. Watch out for a guy in the trucker hat. Trucker hats usually pose a threat.
Southern Boulevard is technically a “Virgo” and pretty sure these things aren’t accurate, although he checks The Onion Horoscopes periodically.