15 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

Now let’s be real. These folks have a rough job. So you’re not mad at them on a personal basis, but it’s worth it to make both of your days a little more interesting. 

Southern Boulevard threw in a quick illo of this hardworking fellow because why not?
Southern Boulevard threw in a quick illo of this hardworking fellow because why not? Cartooning fact: those lines coming from his mouth denote sound, a trick often used by lazy cartoonists to reflect their point.

1) “I’m a little busy right now, but I can take a message.”

2) “Actually, I’d like to sell you something! It’s called The Neutron-Fassbender Crank. What does it do? Well that’s where it gets interesting.”

3) “Have you heard of the medieval execution method called ‘quartering?'”

4) “Excuse me for a moment, good sir. You speak poorly for someone who gabs all day long. Say ‘Hello’ like this: ‘Heh-low.’ See how it flows trippingly off the tongue. When you greeted me, I thought for a moment that a cowhand was assaulting my eardrums with some peasant slang.”

5) “I will find you, and I will kill you. Where have you taken my daughter?”

“Okay team, Todd will cover transactions, Dory will call businesses, ‘Chipper Charles’ will call at 6:00 am and if someone asks for cocaine, redirect it to Cindy on the end. She works for the FBI.”

6) “I know where you live. ” If you hear a woman’s voice, say, “Red lip gloss today?” A man’s: “Haven’t shaved in a while, have you, Larry?”

7) “How funny! The thing is, I’m actually doing a survey. When was the last time you moved your bowels? And what was the consistency of your bowel movement?”

8) “I’m…so alone…please talk to me. They left me in this room with a phone that can only receive calls, a bed with no mattress, a bucket, a bottle of ketchup, and Hitchcock’s North by Northwest playing on a 12-inch screen.”

9) “You sound like a guy I know from high school. Wait…exactly like a guy I know from high school.”

10) “Using the sound of your voice, I’m going to describe you. You’re Phyllis…whiny with graying hair in her mid 50s, Caucasian, with a slight Bostonian accent and a little bit of a superiority complex…this job is a cover, a cover for something much worse.”

11) “Using the sound of your voice, I’m going to describe you. You’re Greek…wait…I think that was a bit of a Turkish accent I heard there! Those Greeks…I know how they are about the Turkish…”

12) “Please put us on the do-not-call list. Not later, not tomorrow, now. You have fifteen seconds before I activate a bug in your system that will turn your computers into a sizzling mess. Ha ha. If you didn’t watch so many movies you’d know a virus can’t do that.”

13) “What did you eat for breakfast today? I ate my cousin. Sorry, cousin’s dog. Bet that made your heart stop for a second there, didn’t it? Funny thing, a heart. All mushy and stuff.”

14) “I was voted the funniest in high school. Wanna hear a joke? So a telemarketer calls a guy. The guy hypnotizes the telemarketer over the phone, gets their address, and shows up dressed like the villain from ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.'”

Because no internet article is complete without an unnecessary stock photo of an attractive woman. Also, she has a phone.

15) “You persistent bastard. First the sugar in the gas tank, then the rock through the window, now this.”

“Remember team, real telemarketers don’t actually sit elbow-to-elbow like this. No one does.”

If you actually try one of these on a telemarketer, Southern Boulevard would be thrilled to hear from you and assumes zero responsibility for your actions.


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