Southern Boulevard’s Field Guide to Homecoming

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Southern Boulevard’s rendition of the first four critters

In High Schools across America, throngs of teens prepare for the big dance. Schools might have their homecoming football game anytime in the fall, so this seems like a good week for the post. Also, Southern Boulevard does what it wants. So far two High School Field Guides have been compiled: Gym Class and Drama Production

Dansicus Rex Homecoming King. This creature is usually not at all interested in proceedings and would rather not be chosen for this strange place at the top of the food chain. It’s worth noting that this is usually done to embarrass Dancicus Rex. Various female student council members pretend to care who gets voted what for about five minutes, imagining the students planning and placing bets, and then randomly choose from the six names. There’s a teacher, Mrs. Liverfield, who actually does kind of care, for reasons no one will ever understand.

Danciscus Major  The Homecoming Queen. Usually also embarrassed, contrary to popular belief. Such species do not wish to be crowned, nor do they understand why their attendance at a school-sponsored pizza-and-freak-dancing party should be rewarded.

Danciscus Minor – The other option for Homecoming Queen. If crowned, she loves every second of it. Usually obnoxious in some way, she will find a way to wear that sash again. Possibly her wedding.

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There’s a Southern Boulevard reference, a music artist reference, and a self-portrait all in this one weirdly-shaded illustration! Isn’t that something.

DJXVIII The DJ plays the most obnoxious music in his playlist. He’s the only species here that really knows what’s going on: he’ll do two of these in a month, plus two bat-mitvahs, a wedding, a party with a vague purpose, and three birthdays. This is one of his two chances to play some of the most offensive music known to man. With titles not at all befitting a small-town high school like “Baby Drop that Down,” “Shake All Up On Me,” “Sweat on my Chest,” and more, this guy is determined to make the night as smarmy as possible. Complete with rolled-up plaid shirt and haircut designed to make him look 19 instead of 39.

Creeperius Magnum – A college kid who came back home for the Homecoming Football game, as per tradition, but then made a mistake. That mistake was walking back towards the school building after the game, drawn by an instinctual magnetism he has no control over. While his friends grab dinner and head home to catch some sleep before heading back to campus, this dude has returned to his high school for a sweaty mosh. Even worse, a strange mental block prevents him from acknowledging the “magnetism” drawing him back: an old high school girlfriend not one but two years younger than him. Cozy.

Young Gerald – This kid is from another school. No one recognizes him, and that’s just how he likes it. This social butterfly has migrated to such events around the county, dancing sweatily with several girls in each high school. He makes use of his magnificent plumage to gain attention when he needs it before slinking off into the night.

Magister dancerii – These teachers are having a great time guessing who’s going to come with who, who will be wearing what, and so on. Including the guy. Two thirds are looking for a way to avoid spending the night with their kids/spouse, the other third actually enjoy watching their students engage in a strange ritualistic mating ceremony much less well honed than any they engaged in at the same age. They’ll end the night laughing in the parking lot, enjoying a sugar high from soda, and mocking the dance moves they saw.

dancing animated GIF
From the “Call me Maybe” wait sorry “Friday” music video we all want to forget for the rest of time

Girl Herd – These underclassmen girls are wearing glitter, which serves a highly important purpose: marking them as bold and freewheeling in an effort to deter Young Gerald from preying on them. Most likely his baseball jacket and overpowering chemical stench will make them think twice.

Aerobic puerum – These guys discussed going together at soccer or cross country practice today. They live and die as a team of lankiness. This is a big night for the football team, which at this school lost the game, but these aerobic chaps are determined to at least obtain a sample of some girls’ sweat for their science project. They will leave as soon as possible.


This year Southern Boulevard is avoiding Creeperius Magnum status. Back in the day, Southern Boulevard was an Aerobic puerum.

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