Just in case you’re doing job interviews, you’re bored, and you read Southern Boulevard.
1. If you could be a brick in that wall, what would the circumference of this desk be?
2. Do you have sexual thoughts, daily, weekly, or hourly? What is their duration? What is their content matter?
3. Here’s some loose-leaf. Fold a paper airplane and toss it out the window. If you hit the homeless guy across the street, you get the job.
4. Please read A Tale of Two Cities on this Kindle, which has all other functions turned off. You will be locked in this room until you can recite at least five chapters from memory.
6. Hi there! Before we begin, what’s your ethnicity? I couldn’t quite tell.
7. Speaking of ethnicity, is my skin beige or more of a cream color?
8. How often do you get whiteheads?
9. Are you a big birthday person, or not really?
10. If given the choice between nitrogen and an illegal nitrogen-based mixture, what would you use to power your moped?
11. If another employee in this office was involved in a Mexican drug cartel, to what lengths would you go to arrest them?
12. Are you good with kids? Mine are home right now and I could use a baby sitter. The whole “Editorial staff” thing is kind of BS anyway right?
13. If necessary will you disembowel someone to find a key hidden in their organs? Just throwing it out there.
14. How often do you need to get up and stretch, and where? We have microscopic razor wire installed in different patterns each week overnight for security reasons.
15. Would you be comfortable sharing a cubicle with a dwarf?
16. Please answer after imagining thoroughly this scenario: You’re on a deserted island and have a piece of bread, a dog, and a defibrillator. How will you survive?
17. Do you regularly take selfies while defecating?
18. Do you consider yourself more of an East Coast prep or more Southern?
19. I’m going to tell you a story and I want to hear your reaction. One day after work – Friday last week I think – this girl, Shelley, from accounting, asked me to “come grab stuff at the 7-11 since you’re like a brother to me and I hate walking down there after dark.” Do I interpret this as an advance, and is it bad that I turned her down? With luck she may ask again today.
20. Have you ever resuscitated a hamster with an iPhone charger, an outlet, and a lot of gumption?
If it’s not obvious, Southern Boulevard has never interviewed someone for a job before. At the time this was written, I only had one job interview for experience. My attitude must have come off as “This is an on-campus job and you’re also a kid, so I’m going to smirk in a charming fashion at your questions because that works with other people” because I did not get that job.
This Monday: Celebrate Southern Boulevard’s One-Year Anniversary! Today’s the day but Monday’s the party!