Southern Boulevard’s Field Guide to High School Gym Class

Everyone’s taken gym. A high school gym class can be quite entertaining. It’s also a confusing environment to negotiate if you’re not familiar with the various species present. Southern Boulevard’s Field Guide series can be printed out for quick reference before you lace up. 

adipem magister aestuosi, or Gym Teacher

napoleon dynamite animated GIF
gym1

Adipem magister aestuosi is a gentle giant often clad in sweats. Contrary to popular belief, it is rarely a dangerous creature, often times misunderstood by those who dislike physical exertion. This creature is typically past its prime and moderates the ecosystem of the gym class. The patient Gym Teacher’s affection can be gained through effort, attendance, and an appreciation of classic rock.

aestuosi culus, or “Try-Hard”

gym2

Aestuosi culus tries way too hard. Typically garbed in expensive basketball shoes and a color-coordinated outfit, this creature has a terrible secret: this is the most exercise he’s gotten all week. The fact that he actually does possess a fair amount of natural athleticism only serves to make him more annoying. Probably a failed football player, he has a lanky physique with well-developed biceps from hours in a local gym – but has very little functional fitness. Outside casual games of frisbee, he’s about as useful as our next species:

segnis sed formosa, or Lazy Girl 

gym3

Pretty but immobile, segnis sed formosa tries to charm Gym Teachers with soft calls and knowledge of where their offspring attend higher education. While she could make games more enjoyable, segnis sed formosa rarely participates and is highly skilled at hiding a smartphone in her gym shorts. She often distracts species such as Tandem lecta and Pueri corpus odor, and encourages the brilliant colors and mating dance of Aestuosi culusShe is not to be confused with female species that are tired from athletics or other pursuits.

tandem lecta, or Uncoordinated Kid

gym4

This species comprises about 45% of the Gym Class Ecosystem. Different subtypes have different levels of lacking hand-eye coordination to protect them from predators such as Aestuosi culuswhich often overlooks them when making a pass, preferring to target members of the same species. This causes inbreeding and, as a result, none of the species ever improve. Uncoordinated Kid has occasional moments of greatness surprising everyone and, most of all, themselves. Despite the constant brutal contortions of their limbs they never sustain injury, a trait attributed to millions of years of evolution.

aliena commutationem discipulo, or Talented Foreign Kidgym5

Where he or she is from, no one knows. What they do know is that this possibly foreign species is some kind of soccer or rugby player, says very little, and is absurdly good at everything. Save for the occasional grimace while running, this species expresses little fatigue and seems to be confused by other species’ sweat and complaining. It can be speculated that this invasive species is used to a harsher environment and when transplanted, finds it is much hardier than the local flora and fauna.

 pueri corpus odor, or Smelly Dude 

gym6

This is fortunately a rare but ever-present species in the Gym Class. Emitting a pungent musk during a variety of activities, this creature only gets smellier in the Gym Class ecosystem. Friendly enough, this creature is all but unaware that it smells bad enough to cause physical anguish in those who stand close. Possibly a defense mechanism, possibly an unwitting attempt at attracting female species, this is a creature with plenty of room to himself.


Have you studied these species in the field? Comment below.

Fun Fact: Southern Boulevard used Google Translate for these Latin names. The next Field Guides may not. 

Southern Boulevard’s Field Guide Series will continue as part of its Monday updates. Have an Ecosystem you want a guide to? Submit any ideas and Southern Boulevard will credit you if they are used.
Advertisements

Enter your comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s