Southern Boulevard’s Back to School Checklist

All the big stores have their own Back-to-School shopping list, right? Humor websites don’t because they don’t care about education. Southern Boulevard is about to change that.


school kid1 ◊ A backpack with strong straps, for all those textbooks ◊ Prank pack of gum with joy buzzer for the wide-eyed sophomores on JV. It should make the hour bus ride for Tuesday’s game more interesting

◊ Rubber bands to shoot paperclips ◊ Apple device that fits in pocket, for Flappy Bird during chorus

◊ Pack of gum for starting conversations with someone attractive

◊ Looseleaf paper to tear hatefully into small shreds and then mush into tiny balls to flick across the floor while watching the little hand move ◊ A backup pack of gum. You’ll go through a lot of gum

◊ For guys in a school with a uniform, get two belts. Keep one in your locker – Southern Boulevard lent that belt many times when the dean was a-prowlin’. Once you’re old enough not to care about the dean, you don’t have to wear them ◊ Running shoes that are 75% duct tape. Southern Boulevard’s owner once had a friend in high school whose shoes were falling apart, so he fixed them with duct tape. They lasted several months until it was hard to tell what was shoe and what was duct tape. Apparently they were “so comfy.”

◊ Cell phone, for Snapchatting instead of interacting with other students ◊ Ruler, which will be lost, stolen, or broken in the first month

◊ Two calculators. At least one will have a two-month vacation at the bottom of your locker, which is good – gives it time to decompress. Write your name on them aggressively in Sharpie – there’s a lot of borrowing during exams

◊ Chewing pencil. A chewing pencil must be carefully selected – good wood, and without one of those weird plastic wrappings around it. Try Staples’ pencils – a slight hint of orange and a fragrant mahogany aftertaste keep your mouth fresh for hours after. Dixon Ticonderoga are such beautiful pencils, only the most experienced chewers choose them to deface their enamel. Using molars gives the deep, even pit-marks of an experienced chewer. Past seventh grade, this will give you plenty of personal space

◊ A watch that beeps incessantly at uneven intervals. You can say you wrestle, swim, run, or your sport has heavy conditioning and you’re tougher than most people and thus allowed to disrupt class. This may earn you the nickname “Rocky” but is worth it. Also handy for getting out of the SATs

◊ A pink rubber eraser. Get several. Fun to play with, and like the ruler, there’s no hauling them around – they’ll be gone in the first quarter

◊ If you take art, a kneaded eraser to trap finger grease and weird you out. More fun to play with, but not nearly as pliable as your teacher will suggest. Bonus points if a freshman uses it with charcoal

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