Honest Recommendation Letters by George P. Saunders

Mr. Saunders looking much better since his head injury in 2011
Mr. Saunders looking much better since his head injury in 2011

Honest recommendation letters by the classic politically incorrect history teacher


To whom it may concern;

As Arnold Braubach’s history teacher for his 10th and 12th grade year, I came to know him as a deeply gifted young man. His 10th grade year, I had him for US Government. Let me tell you, whom it may concern, I hate that damn class. They’re texting on the damn cell phones the whole time. Not a day went by I wish I could give them all a good beating like Sister Alberta did me in ’59. Those were the days when a good rap across the knuckles and three lashes across the buttocks would teach us kids.

But back to Arnold. He was one of the only kids who paid attention, and the only one with the ball bearings to ask me for a letter of recommendation, so here we are. He wrote a pretty damn good paper on the Korean War once. I think he copied some homework, but I didn’t really care. Good hockey player, so I cut him some slack in the winter. He was in my homeroom his 9th grade year and was always late, but I was always late in high school. In all honesty, does it matter that he was late in high school? I know he’ll be on time when he’s getting paid, that little bastard. Of course, back in my day we’d be taken to Headmasters’ if we were late. There he’d have us kneel over the armchair for a few lashes with his oak cane. I still can’t sit for more than an hour without having raging pain in my buttocks.

Arnold participated in the debate club, mainly because he’s smart, pushy, and kind of a know-it-all. His hockey teammates made fun of him for being in the debate club, and called him all kinds of heinous racist and homophobic slurs, but he kept at it for three years. I guess that’s worth mentioning. Of course when I was around none of that would be considered offensive, but if that will get you draft-dodging long-haired dainty SOBs to take young Arnold for a semester I guess it’s worth it to be just so.

Back in my day, of course, a guy like Alfred would work a job down at the tire factory. Saw a Spanish fellow get his foot caught in a big machine, CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Those beatings at the Headmasters’ were nothing compared to that business. Never saw that poor bastard again, did I.

Anyhow, accept Arnold Brauburger to your university because he’s got character, he’s a damn good hockey player, a good fellow, and so on. Good history student. Think he wanted to major in business. It will be too bad if he never comes around again, although I doubt I’ll remember his face. I like him better than my grandson, who is a painting major.

Yours,

George P. Saunders

recletter4

Department Chair

Social Studies, Scarsdale High School

Alice found that she didn't need to study much in Launders' class. Looks suspicious as usual
Alice found that she didn’t need to study much in Launders’ class. Looks suspicious as usual
Arnold sported a mullet for a couple of years
Arnold sported a mullet for a couple of years

To whom it may concern;

I’d like to recommend Alice Briggle. She is a thoughtful young woman with a lot of opinions about history and culture. While she was not the best student, I’m writing her recommendation letter because she’s a good-looking young lady. Mind you, to a distracting extent. I seated her in front, as I’ve been doing with good-looking young ladies for the last sixty years of my damn career. Anyhow, the fellows in class couldn’t stop looking at her so I asked her once to wear a shirt less low-cut. She started crying and there was a whole mess with her parents and all that. I gave her an A+ on the midterm exam to make up for it and she never complained again.    Back in my day, girls didn’t go to school much so I’ll admit I was a little annoyed, especially since she was in my Honors European history. You’d think there’d be a culinary course or something. At any rate, take her because I imagine your precious little university could use some good-looking gals.

I remember when I went to college at Wenceton Hall. Prep, where I went, was the damn feeder school for the place. Wenceton was full of these very corny fellows, and half the professors had white shoes and looked like they’d just hopped the gasket on a Gatsby motorcar with a hot-rod and a tube of elbow grease. Hell, I hardly remember those days. There was Johnny Filten, Greg Berg, Scott Minsk. Hell, those were the days. If you ever go back around Wenceton, ask for Professor Serrow. Used to stand on desks and holler about Krauts. I think they put a bullet in his wheezer during the Great War.

Alice, it’s worth mentioning, was giving a presentation in my class one time and kept looking at a certain Arnold Braubach. She kept giving him these very surreptitious glances, as if to say something, but never shut up and said it. In my day, a woman giving glances like that, well, you know: in France after D-Day, my dad and his boys saw them shaving the heads of woman said to have bungled the fishing nets with a German officer. I felt like saying, by God, Dad, it must’ve been half those French swallows who did it! But it was only a few, at least who got caught, as I suspect they’d been seen giving glances at the GIs.

My dad told a story about shooting a German POW’s earlobe off by accident. I told my class that story once and Alissa, you know what she did? She just got real silent. She got real silent and real pale. That was a good one. That’s how you know you got them good.

Yours,

George P. Saunders

recletter4

Department Chair

Social Studies, Scarsdale High School

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