GAME PLAN: Museum Visit

GAME PLAN: Museum Visit Crucial information your younger self must have used to survive.

If you were ever fortunate enough to go to a museum with your grandparents, you probably have never complained about it because that would make your younger self sound spoiled. However, we all know that without a successful game plan these trips can be hellish.

You enter with your grandparents (purple line) but occasionally try to escape (turquoise). After milling around in the lobby you go to a desk and get a sticker that shows you’re allowed to be in the museum. Now the fun begins.

First you and your grandparents join a line. By the time you get to shuffle through a cramped exhibit full of fossils and spend about .3 seconds at each fossil you have realized the folly of your decision. You wonder through a narrow room of selected statuettes. There is an irritating maze of doors here where you are separated from your grandparents.

Ah! The armor exhibit. Every 7-12 year-old child’s dream. But Grandma saw that with your cousin Wilfred last week so after a few minutes it’s over to the crotch paintings. These were in fact painted by Sylvestri Einsenbergen in 1957. He sewed a paintbrush into the crotch of his overalls and painted them. After spending an hour lecturing you on Eisenbergen’s work and his battle with hip contusions, and reminiscing with the tour guide about the 1930s, your grandma turns you loose.

In the interactive “kids” exhibit your grandparents figure they can get away from you for a bit. In a science museum, this exhibit will include touching something that makes your hair stand on end that you’re too scared to try. In a history museum there isn’t one, just another room full of antiquated pistols and sad, sad little statues. In an art museum you will likely encounter a mime.

The terror does not end. Mere seconds after rejoining your grandparents, it’s into the Dim, Creepy, Noisy room. This could be a solar system, or a short movie about the life of some person, and while this is usually the best part you’re too weary to enjoy it.

The pillars on the way out tend to be pretty cool however.

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